Sarah had one goal for her first birth. Bring her baby into the world at home. She did everything she knew to do. She hired a midwife with 30 years of experience. She practiced relaxation. She stayed so in tune with her body that she did not even realize how far along she was in labor. And then, at 8 centimeters dilated, everything changed. Her son was breech. Her midwife did not deliver breech babies, especially for first time moms, so the answer was immediate. We have to go now.
They rushed to the hospital. Within 45 minutes, her son was born, butt first. No tears. No complications. He was fine. She was fine. The birth itself went smoothly. But something was still lost.
Guest Speaker
On this episode we talked with Sarah, a mom of 2 who has experience with both an attempted home birth turned hospital birth and a successful home birth.
The Part Nobody Warns You About
Sarah is clear that the hard part was not the hospital. The hard part was grieving the home birth she never got to have.
"The only traumatic part was grieving my non-home birth," she said. "Especially in a society where people make it seem like home birth's not safe, and I was very much advocating for it, and people would look at me like I was crazy for wanting to do it. And then I ended up in a hospital."
If you have ever planned for one kind of birth and ended up with another, you know that ache. The baby is healthy, and you are grateful, and you still feel the weight of the thing you pictured that did not happen. Both can be true at the same time.
What made it harder was the well meaning advice that came after. "At least your baby was okay." Sarah understood that. She was grateful her son was healthy. But being told you should feel okay because everything turned out okay does not make the grief go away. It just makes you feel like you are not allowed to have it.
Permission to Grieve
This is the piece Sarah wants every mom to hear.
"Grieve the way you want to grieve your own birth. Don't let anyone undermine how you feel. If you're grieving and it hurts, just grieve and let it hurt."
Having a baby changes your whole life. It is amazing, and it is also one of the hardest, most massive changes a person can go through. When the birth itself does not go the way you planned, that is one more loss layered on top of an already tender season. You are allowed to feel all of it. Big or small, the grief is real, and letting yourself move through it is part of healing. You do not have to rush to be okay. You do not have to trade your sadness for someone else's comfort. The heart is already working hard enough.
What She Did Differently the Second Time
A few years later, Sarah got the home birth she dreamed of, with her daughter. The difference was not luck. It was preparation, and it started with a hard lesson learned: experience on paper is not the same as the right fit for you.
For her first birth, she hired the most experienced midwife she could find and felt good about it. The second time, she interviewed eight midwives before choosing. What she had come to understand was how connected that person needs to be to you. Almost like a friendship. Birth is intense. The pain is intense. You want someone fully on the same page as you, walking through it as your support, not just your provider.
If you are choosing a care provider, Sarah suggests asking direct questions:
- What do you do in an emergency situation?
- What do you consider an emergency?
Her first midwife and her second had very different answers, and neither one is wrong. One held firmer boundaries and would transfer sooner. One would only transfer for a true 911 situation. The point is not that one is better. The point is that you find the one whose answers match what you actually want, because the same provider who is perfect for one mom may not be the right fit for another.
A Tip Worth Knowing: The Bridge Appointment
One of the most practical things Sarah shared, and something she did with both babies, is making a bridge appointment with a hospital.
A bridge appointment means the hospital you would transfer to in an emergency already has your information and your files on hand. If you do have to be transferred, they know you and they know your situation, which makes everything smoother in a moment that already feels chaotic. She chose a hospital with a midwifery and water birth center, so it held similar values to a home birth, just inside a hospital. You can often get more of what you want from both settings than you would expect. You just have to find the right place.
Preparing Your Body and Your Mind
Sarah is honest that a home birth asks more of you and your partner up front. She walked, did yoga, and lifted weights nearly every day of her pregnancy. She paid attention to positioning. She wanted her body to be as ready as possible, because the goal was to give herself the best shot at a smooth, low complication birth. If something is really what you want, she says, you also have to work for it in a lot of other ways.
The mental work mattered just as much. So much of what Sarah came back to was the idea that our bodies were designed to do this.
"Society over the years has made women feel like we're not strong enough to give birth, or not smart enough to know how our body works."
Her invitation is to reconnect with yourself. Do you feel strong enough to do this? Are you ready to get through this and make it a positive experience? So much of birth has been framed around pain and fear, and trusting your body is a way back from that.
The One Trick That Changes Everything: Relax Your Jaw
Here is the practical piece worth tucking away no matter where or how you give birth. Your jaw is directly connected to your pelvis. If you clench your teeth and tense up, you tense your pelvic floor. If you relax your jaw, you relax your pelvis, and you help the baby come.
When a big contraction came during her daughter's labor, Sarah would talk herself through it. Relax your jaw. Breathe out. Drop your shoulders. The instinct in pain is to crunch up, but tensing makes the pain worse. When you soften, the pain softens too, and you can actually feel your baby descend.
This is where a support person becomes so valuable. Many of us know we want to relax in theory, but in the intensity of the moment, we grip and tense without realizing it. Having your partner or support person gently remind you to relax, to loosen your hands, to soften your jaw, can be the thing that helps your body do its incredible work. Sarah suggests teaching your husband or support person ahead of time what birth will look like and what you will need, so they can advocate for you and support you when it counts. A doula can fill this role too, especially if you carry anxiety and want someone there to keep you breathing and remind you what comes next.
Soak It In
When Sarah was asked what she most wanted moms to carry into their future, her answer had nothing to do with home birth at all. Make it about connecting with your family.
With her first, she felt like she had to do so much after he was born. Keep the house clean. Run around. Stay busy. This time, with her last baby, she is doing it differently. She lets her daughter sleep on her instead of rushing to transfer her to the bassinet. She takes the extra 15 or 20 minutes to look at her face and talk to her, even when the dishes are waiting. She is in no hurry for her to grow up and move to the next room.
"I know how fast it goes. I'll look back at pictures of my son and just think, in the moment it felt like forever, but I would do anything to hold him as a one-year-old again."
The sleepless nights are her chance to snuggle and kiss that little face. One year is nothing. So she is embracing the slowdown, soaking in every feature and every moment while her baby is still a baby. Because it does not last long, and it all gets easier as they get older.
You Can Do Hard Things
Sarah's closing thought is a quiet kind of confidence. She believes every woman can do this. Our bodies are capable of so much more than we give them credit for. Do not let people fearmonger you out of what makes you happy. And find your people. She talked about a picnic for her home birth community, surrounded by moms whose children were all born at home. A whole group, proud of themselves, and proof that this is normal. Anything against the norm is hard, so find the proper support, and you can do it.
And if it does not go to plan? If you end up needing the hospital? That is what most people do. It is not wrong. It is not a failure. You can hold the grief for the birth you imagined and the gratitude for the baby in your arms, all at once.
Grieve what you lost. Trust what your body can do. And soak in every minute of these days, because they go so fast.
This article is a companion to Episode 19 of the Functional Fourth Trimester podcast.