When Birth Doesn't Go As Planned: Grieving the Vision and Trusting Your Body

Featuring Sarah

With Lauren Zatezalo, OT student, and Melissa O'Neal, OTR/L

What You Will Learn in This Episode

1. You are allowed to grieve the birth you envisioned, even when your baby and your body are both healthy. Gratitude and grief can be true at the same time. Being told 'at least the baby is okay' does not make the loss go away. Grieve the way you need to, and do not rush to be okay or trade your sadness for someone else's comfort.
2. Choosing a care provider is about fit, not just experience on paper. Sarah interviewed eight midwives the second time. Ask direct questions like 'What do you do in an emergency situation?' and 'What do you consider an emergency?' The right provider for one mom may not be the right fit for another. You want someone fully on the same page as you, walking through it as your support.
3. Make a bridge appointment with the hospital you would transfer to in an emergency, so they already have your information and files on hand. If a transfer happens, they know you and your situation, which makes a chaotic moment smoother. Choosing a hospital with a midwifery or water birth center can hold similar values to a home birth, just inside a hospital.
4. Prepare your body and your mind. Sarah walked, did yoga, and lifted weights nearly every day of her pregnancy and paid attention to positioning to give herself the best shot at a smooth, low complication birth. Just as important was the mental work of trusting that her body was designed to do this, instead of approaching birth from a place of fear.
5. Relax your jaw. Your jaw is directly connected to your pelvis, so clenching your teeth tenses your pelvic floor. Relaxing your jaw, breathing out, and dropping your shoulders helps your pelvis soften and your baby descend. Teach your partner or support person ahead of time to remind you to soften when the intensity makes you grip and tense. A doula can fill this role too.
6. Soak it in and find your people. Let yourself slow down and connect with your baby, because the early days go fast. Surround yourself with a community that supports your choices so your path feels normal. And if you end up needing the hospital, that is what most people do. It is not wrong, and it is not a failure.

From This Episode

You can hold the grief for the birth you imagined and the gratitude for the baby in your arms, all at once. Grieve what you lost. Trust what your body can do. And soak in every minute of these days, because they go so fast.

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